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Old February 8th, 2014, 05:32 AM   #2976
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Default Re: the lighter side

Two prostitutes are standing on a street corner. The first one says " It's gonna be a good night, I can smell the dick in the air". The second one said "Sorry that was me, I burped".
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Old February 11th, 2014, 01:42 PM   #2977
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Default Re: the lighter side

" If you can't fix it with a hammer, you have an electrical problem." Author unknown......maybe it was Ray Dean ?
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Old February 11th, 2014, 04:16 PM   #2978
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Quote:
Originally Posted by marnat3 View Post
You need to figure out how to get paid to piss people off!!
Thats called being a politician!
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Old February 18th, 2014, 08:44 PM   #2979
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Quote:
Originally Posted by drscope View Post
Thats called being a politician!
Or a weatherman!
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Old February 19th, 2014, 07:16 AM   #2980
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Default Re: the lighter side

A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/ West Virginia State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a juggler and was on his way to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy traveling from Tennessee got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, ďYou might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.Ē
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Old February 22nd, 2014, 10:45 PM   #2981
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Default Re: the lighter side

I was seriously shaking from laughter over this...
Jeff

CREATING A PASSWORD......


cabbage

Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

boiled cabbage

Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

1 boiled cabbage

Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

50****ingboiledcabbages

Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

50****INGboiledcabbages

Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

50****ingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArse,IfYouDon't GiveMeAccessImmediately

Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

NowIAmGettingReallyPissedOff50****ingBoiledCabbage sShovedUpYourArseIfYouDontGiveMeAccessImmediately

Sorry, that password is already in use!
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Old February 23rd, 2014, 03:57 PM   #2982
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A conversation in heaven......

SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.

WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

SYLVIA: I froze to death.

WANDA: How horrible!

SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

SYLVIA: So, what happened?

WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet
and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over
with a heart attack and died.

SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer
---we'd both still be alive.
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Old February 25th, 2014, 10:44 PM   #2983
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Default Re: the lighter side

FENTON!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3GRSbr0EYYU&app=desktop
Jeff
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Old March 10th, 2014, 07:07 PM   #2984
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Default Re: the lighter side

Little Johnny Strikes Again

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Johnny says:
"I wanna hit the Powerball and be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore on the planet, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris , a jet to travel throughout Europe ,
and an Infinite Visa Card, and bang her in the most exotic places on earth".
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson ....
"And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Johnny's whore.


















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Old March 10th, 2014, 07:08 PM   #2985
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Default Re: the lighter side

Mickey O'Flynn worked in an Irish pickle factory. For many years
he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. Unable
to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory
psychologist. After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised
Mickey to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any
peace of mind.

The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Mary,
became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened. Mickey
tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle
slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and
did it, and he was immediately fired.

Mary gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked
down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact
penis. She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about
the pickle slicer?"

Mickey replied, "I think she got fired, too."
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Old March 13th, 2014, 07:12 PM   #2986
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I was out cruising around the back roads the other day and as Iím driving along I notice there is a chicken running along right beside my car. I was doing 60mph and he was just running along beside me at 60mph!

Then without notice he just sped up and spurted out in front. I accelerated and tried to keep up and thatís when I noticed that chicken had three legs!

Well I followed him about ĺ of a mile down the road when he suddenly turned right and sped up the driveway of a farm.

I slammed on the brakes and slid into that driveway but I didnít see where that three legged chicken went.

Thatís when I noticed the farmer standing near the barn, so I pulled up and asked if he saw a chicken run by? He said yes he saw a chicken run past. I asked if he saw that chicken had three legs? He said yes he knows about that because he raises the three legged chickens.

We got to talking about these three legged chickens and why he raised them.

He said well, I like the drum stick, and Ma likes the drum stick and little Robbie likes the drum stick, so instead of fighting over who gets the drum stick I decided to raise three legged chickens so we could all have a drum stick.

I asked him do they taste good?

He says, I donít know, we ainít been able to catch one yet!
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Old March 14th, 2014, 10:19 PM   #2987
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Default Re: the lighter side

The owner of our local hardware store calls our doggie day care at time with questions about grooming costs for five legged dogs and such. So I called his store a couple of days ago...heh, heh. He's talking to a customer as he picks up the phone. "Hey Bob," I ask, "you have small metric nuts?" He says something to the customer then answers sort of impatiently, "Yeah, yeah, I've got 'em." I say, "Does your girl friend laugh and point when you drop your shorts?" What really surprises me is the language he uses with a customer present.
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Old March 24th, 2014, 11:32 AM   #2988
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Uh, Yeah .
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Old March 28th, 2014, 05:55 PM   #2989
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A man got a text from his neighbor: Iím so sorry Bob. Iíve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when youíre not around. In fact, more then you. Iím not getting any at home, but thatís no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it wonít happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A couple seconds latter, another text arrived Ė Fín auto correct, I meant ďwifiĒ, not wife.
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Old March 29th, 2014, 12:10 PM   #2990
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Default Re: the lighter side

Quote:
Originally Posted by drscope View Post
A man got a text from his neighbor: Iím so sorry Bob. Iíve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when youíre not around. In fact, more then you. Iím not getting any at home, but thatís no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it wonít happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A couple seconds latter, another text arrived Ė Fín auto correct, I meant ďwifiĒ, not wife.
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Old April 6th, 2014, 07:07 PM   #2991
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Old April 7th, 2014, 07:48 AM   #2992
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By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded. "Or just a bed--I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope. I shut him up in no time?"
"How'd you manage that?"
"He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
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Old April 19th, 2014, 01:03 PM   #2993
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No words for this...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sq-w7lgtwsU
Jeff
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Old April 19th, 2014, 01:21 PM   #2994
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How about friggin' winters are waaay too long in some places.
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Old April 19th, 2014, 04:15 PM   #2995
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That friggin guy needs to friggin learn some new friggin words.
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Old April 22nd, 2014, 11:49 AM   #2996
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Default Re: the lighter side

Whats a tractor extrabaganza?
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Old April 25th, 2014, 02:05 PM   #2997
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Default Re: the lighter side

Some of you guys will relate to this more than others...

A man is in bed with his Thai girlfriend. After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his penis, something she had lovingly done on many occasions. Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her, 'Why do you love doing that?' She replies: 'Because I really miss mine'



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Old April 25th, 2014, 03:17 PM   #2998
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Illegitimus non tatum Carborundem
(Do not let the bastards wear you down)
Quote:
Make it what you want, conform to no standards but your own--When you think it's done, if you say it's a volksrod---It is
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Old April 27th, 2014, 07:06 PM   #2999
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Quote:
Originally Posted by whozawhat View Post
Random Thoughts

I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds . . .people move out of the way much faster now.

You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably angry.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row!

I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers, if you find one, what's your plan?

: funny:

Ron
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Old April 28th, 2014, 05:43 PM   #3000
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