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Old June 16th, 2014, 11:48 PM   #3026
d3ghia
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Default Re: the lighter side

Ain't that a FORD?

Found on Roadside - Dead?





Oh where is Ray-Dean?
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Don't be Fucking stupid.

The bolt is Fucked, it won't fix it's self,
the Bolt Fairy won't fix it, and you can't fix it.


I know there is a Full Moon, but quit Fucking around.
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Old June 17th, 2014, 03:50 AM   #3027
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Default Re: the lighter side

Flame On Redneck Dude!!

Sorry, I shouldn't be laughing. I keep an extinguisher in all my older cars though.
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If one of my buddies pulled into my driveway and got out of that, I'd punch him right in the colon.

That thing looks like a blue clitoris.
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Old June 17th, 2014, 06:58 AM   #3028
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I thought it was "Flip Over, Read Directions".
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Old June 17th, 2014, 10:19 AM   #3029
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Default Re: the lighter side

Ford - Found on Ron's driveway


Ron
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Old June 17th, 2014, 02:49 PM   #3030
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Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:

If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "Which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

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Old June 18th, 2014, 09:57 AM   #3031
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F**ked Over Rebuild Dodge
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Old June 18th, 2014, 10:03 AM   #3032
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Fine Old Reliable Driver. Yeah, I'm running a Ford Windsor Motor in my Single Cab.
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Old June 18th, 2014, 10:08 AM   #3033
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This reminds me of a buddy up in Idaho who got tired of Chevy guys kidding him about his Ford truck...so, he had 4" tall decals made up in the fancy FORD script. Oddly, everyone wanted one. He sold 'em all and then started seeing then in the back windows of locals' trucks. The letters had been cut apart and pasted on to read..."DORF"
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Old June 18th, 2014, 05:26 PM   #3034
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Myfirst brand new off the showroom floor car was a dark blue 66 GTO convertible. Everybody loved it, especially the girls. Within 2 months, two of the rich kid assholes had gone to Denver and bought cars EXACTly like mine. Even down to the Keystone 5 spokes I put on it. One day I came out of the super market and they were parked one on each side. If I hadn't known my tag number I'd have probably climbed in the wrong car. They thought it was funny, me not so much. That night I pulled the PONTIAC letters off the back panel and rearranged them to CATNIP. That didn't get copied.
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Old June 19th, 2014, 10:43 AM   #3035
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I was eating breakfast with my 8-year old and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"

She said, "It's President's Day!"

She's a smart kid so I asked her, "What does President's Day mean?"

I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln.

But she replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House and if he sees his shadow, we have another year of bullshit!"


You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose!
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Old June 19th, 2014, 06:49 PM   #3036
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Quote:
Originally Posted by drscope View Post
...
She said, "It's President's Day!"
Moonshine burns out the nose too!!
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Old June 21st, 2014, 07:35 AM   #3037
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Last week I was at the local VA Clinic for my bi-annual blood work check for my exposure to Agent Orange. I was out front getting a donut and coffee and checking out hats a vets group sells, when I got to talking with another 'Nam vet whose tour had overlapped mine with the 101st in 1971. We had a lot in common, both had been in the Ashau several times, had similar medals and hadn't been eligible for VA care until Obama kicked loose funds the previous administration had been holding back. We ended up each buying a 101st Vietnam baseball cap.
As we'd both ridden an old motorcycle to the clinic, I ended up following him to his place for a beer, only a few miles from mine as it turned out. It also turned out we're both car guys and he tinkers on a '55 Chevy half-ton. He's got a nice spot with a goat to keep the weeds down, rabbits, and a small chicken house.
He had the hood up on the Chevy when his ten year old grandson hurried by, saying "sorry G-dad I forgot to feed the chickens."
The guy shook his head, "And what reminded you this time?"
"Rush Limbaugh's show came on the radio and I smelled chicken shit!"
Man, beer up the sinuses does not feel good.

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Old June 21st, 2014, 12:55 PM   #3038
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Quote:
Originally Posted by drscope View Post
I was eating breakfast with my 8-year old and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"

She said, "It's President's Day!"

She's a smart kid so I asked her, "What does President's Day mean?"

I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln.

But she replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House and if he sees his shadow, we have another year of bullshit!"


You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose!
Ya know I drink lots of ice tea, I had just taken a mouthful of tea half way thru reading the above post, seems ice tea doesn't feel good when coming out the nose, it made me cough, choke & say to myself "I should know better than to take a drink while reading, or watching anything that could make me laugh uncontrollably
My nose still burns & I'm purty sure a small amount of tea went into my lungs

It's been 10 minutes since I read about your daughters presidents day meaning

I won't be able to get that out of my mind for a few days

Ron
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Old June 23rd, 2014, 11:27 AM   #3039
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A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper of 20 years, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million. Guido is deaf which is why he got the job in the first place.
The Godfather assumed that since Guido could not hear anything, he could never testify in court.



When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, He takes along his personal lawyer because he knows sign language.


The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"


Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."


The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"


The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! Don't shoot me! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."


The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"


The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
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Old July 5th, 2014, 09:24 AM   #3040
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Default Re: the lighter side

Forced English
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sbPWitSTe2k
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Old July 24th, 2014, 01:39 PM   #3041
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Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.

"Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."

They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.

"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."

They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."

The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...

Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.

"Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"

"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"

"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."

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Old August 18th, 2014, 10:07 AM   #3042
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Default Re: the lighter side

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday.
She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.
On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.
After that she went into McDonalds for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, "Oh, you look about 29."
"I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good.
While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."
There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt.
After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47."
Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds."
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Old August 18th, 2014, 05:54 PM   #3043
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I have today off and while replacing the RHS rocker panel, a bunch of cargo floor, front jacking point and other unexpected bits on the Single Cab I had a flashback about the first time I drove a VW.
I was on my R&R in Hawaii in June of '71 and rented a VW bug to get around on Oahu. I'd never driven a bug before but, hey, I'd drag raced my Buick powered Ford coupe and worked on all sorts of stuff. I pulled out into traffic at the airport and all was well until I stopped at a little restaurant for lunch. Back in the bug, I slipped the stick into what I assumed to be reverse...nope. Weel, it must be over here...nope. Several more "nopes" followed with the bug creeping forward each time I eased up on the clutch. Hmm. A few feet away people were watching me from the big window overlooking the parking lot. From my Vietnam tan and short hair cut, it was pretty obvious that I was a soldier on leave. I really didn't want these folks to see me push the bug out of the parking space and show that I was a complete idiot. I shut off the engine and pretended to read the local paper until a young woman in another bug drove by and parked at a store across the parking lot. I hustled over, said "Hi," and asked if she could help me out. She was a little suspicious until I explained the situation. She laughed, showed me the how the shifter worked, I thanked her, and finally was able to leave.
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Old August 18th, 2014, 06:41 PM   #3044
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You have to pull up on the shifter and rotate it, correct?
Jeff
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Old August 18th, 2014, 06:48 PM   #3045
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I believe that I tried that too. My SC shifts as God intended, with reverse to the right and waay forward.
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Old August 19th, 2014, 08:33 AM   #3046
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The old principle made it to a practice to visit each classroom one day a week.

He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name.

They came up with about 40 names.

He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One lad raised his hand and said, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."
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Old August 19th, 2014, 10:02 AM   #3047
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Whaaat ?
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Old September 11th, 2014, 03:45 AM   #3048
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My attraction to volksrods is that these are bottom-feeders where things are still real ... people scraping together parts, doing their own work and often on a tight budget. Real hot rodding is still alive here.
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Old September 11th, 2014, 10:12 AM   #3049
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Whaaat ?
Sound like my old work enviornment
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Old February 1st, 2015, 08:57 AM   #3050
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I was talking to my friend Chad at coffee this morning when the cashier hands him a plate then steps away and whips out her cell phone/camera. WTF Amada ?! He is cool enough that he held the pose so she snap the pic, even though it came out pretty blurry.
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