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Old February 5th, 2003, 04:16 PM   #1
lilbill
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Default the lighter side

since we all seem to have a good sense of humor i thought it might be fun to have a thread with jokes in it. just to show there's no hard feelings between the north and the south i thought i'd start it off.

A Texan looked up at the top of a tall building and discovered a man ready
to jump! "Stop," he yelled, "Remember you're someone who has value!"

The man yelled back, "I just lost everything of value on the stock market!"

"But remember you're important to your wife," yelled the Texan.

"She divorced me, the bitch.

"Your children! Remember your children," yelled the Texan.

"They never call," said the man.

"Then your parents. Remember your parents," yelled the Texan.

"Dead as doornails," said the man.

"Then 'Remember the Alamo'," yelled the Texan.

"What's the Alamo?" inquired the man.

And the Texan replied: "Jump, you Yankee son of a bitch!"

[img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/funny.gif[/img]
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Old February 5th, 2003, 06:11 PM   #2
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:P [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/funny.gif[/img] Good One!
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Old February 5th, 2003, 06:19 PM   #3
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haha that's funny. oh wait, i was born in ohio... SCREW YOU MAN!!! [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/yelling.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/fingerclear.gif[/img]

hehe j/k. i like it better here in the south anyway.
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Old February 5th, 2003, 06:21 PM   #4
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Figure I'll be the cute one here with a child joke..

why do cows wear bells??



Because their horns don't work!!
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Old February 5th, 2003, 06:26 PM   #5
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what do you call someone elses cheese?














NACHO CHEESE!!! [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/funny.gif[/img]
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Old February 5th, 2003, 06:51 PM   #6
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A 20 year old guy sees an old wrinkly looking drunk shriveled in the corner of a store drinking and smoking heavily. The guy goes up to him and asked:
<span style="color:blue"> guy: Excuse me sir, what is your secret to staying alive at your age </span>
<span style="color:red"> drunk: Well I smoke 3 packs a day and I drink a bottle of whiskey before noon. I get a hooker every night and eat nothing but red meat and fast food</span>
<span style="color:blue"> guy: That's amazing, I was always told to do the opposite! How old are you by the way?</span>
<span style="color:red"> drunk: Well, next month I will 38</span>
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Old February 5th, 2003, 07:25 PM   #7
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The 80 year old rancher got married to a 20 year old chick. After a month he had to fire all his cowboys. He couldn't keep his hands off his wife.
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Old February 5th, 2003, 07:27 PM   #8
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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender says "Hey, you've got a steering wheel sticking out of your pants!?!" The pirate replies "Aaaaaaaaaarrrrgh, it's drivin' me nuts!"


ThrasheR
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I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

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Don't worry about other people.Most of them don't care about you.
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Old February 5th, 2003, 07:31 PM   #9
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how do you give a person in Alabama a circumcision???











Punch their cousin in the jaw............................
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Old February 5th, 2003, 07:36 PM   #10
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hahahahaha those are all great!!
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Old February 5th, 2003, 07:49 PM   #11
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What do you call an empty jar of Cheeze Whiz?


















Cheeze Was
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I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

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Don't worry about other people.Most of them don't care about you.
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Old February 5th, 2003, 07:58 PM   #12
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this drunk dude walks into a bar and yells "OUCH!!"
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Old February 5th, 2003, 08:07 PM   #13
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guy walks into a bar with his monkey. they step up to the bar and he orders a scotch. the monkey takes some of the penuts while he wasn't watching and eats them. the bartender gets mad
"hey buddy! the food is for paying customers only!"

"alright alright." says the guy and they leave.

a couple days later they come back in and the guy orders a scotch and goes over to play pool.
the monkey jumps up on the pool table and eats a pool ball. the bartender freaks out!
" HEY MAN, your supid monkey ate a pool ball!!"

"alright alright, heres some money for the pool balls" he appologizes and leaves.

the bartender doesn't see the two for a couple months. one day they walk in and the guy orders a drink and the monkey jumps up on the bar, takes a cherry, sticks it up his ass, THEN eats it.

the bartender is now just baffled.
"buddy did u see that?"

"yeah" the man sais, "he's measured everything after he ate the pool ball."
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Old February 5th, 2003, 08:23 PM   #14
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Four guys are driving cross-country together. One is from Idaho,
one from Nebraska, one from North Carolina, and the last one is from New
York.

A bit down the road the man from Idaho starts to pull potatoes from his
bag and throws them out the window. The man from Nebraska turns to him and
asks, "What the hell are you doing?" The man from Idaho says, "Man, we have
so many of these damned things in Idaho they're laying around on the ground;
I'm sick and tired of looking at them!"

A few miles down the road, the man from Nebraska begins pulling husks of
corn from his bag and throwing them out the window. The man from Idaho
asks "Why are you doing that?" The Nebraskan replies, "Man, we have so many
of these damned things in Nebraska, I'm sick of looking at them!"

Inspired by the others, the man from North Carolina opens the car door
and pushes the New Yorker out.




insert Southern state/yankee of your choice to personalize :)

(guess where I live ... hehe)
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sliding volksrod discount, depending on how much i like you.
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Old February 5th, 2003, 08:31 PM   #15
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lol
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Old February 6th, 2003, 07:06 AM   #16
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Angry

OK I like dogs so here is one.

The Dog's Code of Conduct

Newspapers:
If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard,
always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every
morning for that purpose. Human's love a paper trained dog.

Visitors:
Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the
room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the
human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and
growl gently to show your concern.

Barking:
Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--- a lot.
Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house.
Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their
beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep
waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective
bark, bark, bark ...

Licking:
Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before
licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch
your human a towel.

Holes:
Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and
upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard
so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one
side of each hole, maybe they'll hink it's gophers. There are
never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to
help correct this problem.

Doors:
The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the
family dog to sleep.

The Art of Sniffing:
Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the
family dog, to accommodate them.

Dining Etiquette:
Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are
guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's
also a good time to practice your sniffing.

Housebreaking:
Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the
house as possible.

Going for Walks:
Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your human, never go
to the bathroom on your own lawn.

Couches:
It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your
humans have gone to bed.

Playing:
If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the
flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.

Chasing Cats:
When chasing cats, make sure you never --- quite --- catch them.
It spoils all the fun.

Chewing:
Make a contribution to the fashion industry. ...Eat a shoe. Just
one from each pair, though, as no one likes a greedy dog.
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Old February 6th, 2003, 11:06 AM   #17
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"Could anybody help..."
Washington Post - January 20 , 2002
************************************
Washington, DC (Reuters) -- A tragic and sad fire has destroyed the
personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his books have
been lost. The president is reportedly devastated - apparently, he had
not finished coloring the second one.

[img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/wacko.gif[/img]

huhu, hope this sounds funny in the US too......Scuds pointing my way ????
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Old February 6th, 2003, 11:55 AM   #18
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Them be fighting words boy! If I could spell better you would hear from me. [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/funny.gif[/img]
Damnit mother where is that websters book?
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Old February 6th, 2003, 01:54 PM   #19
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do you know what the difference is between a pit bull humping your leg and a chihuahua humping your leg ?









the pit bull gets to finish :D
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Old February 6th, 2003, 02:36 PM   #20
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Hey don't be talking about George Dubya. He's on the job 24/7. 24 hours a week , 7 days a month.
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Old February 6th, 2003, 03:20 PM   #21
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I am not sure lilbill.

This may shed a lilttle light I reckan

http://www.madblast.com/view.cfm?type=FunF...sh&display=1845
http://www.madblast.com/view.cfm?type=FunF...sh&display=2007
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Old February 6th, 2003, 03:36 PM   #22
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[img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/funny.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/funny.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/funny.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/funny.gif[/img]
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Old February 6th, 2003, 04:02 PM   #23
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[img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/funny.gif[/img] @ W. & his books.
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Old February 6th, 2003, 05:47 PM   #24
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A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either". :D
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Old February 6th, 2003, 06:06 PM   #25
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An guy sitting at a bar is looking to start something.

So he turns to the guy next to him and say loudly "I f*cked your mother".

A silence falls over the bar as everyone waits to see what the guy will do.

Getting no response the drunk yells "I THINK YOU DIDN"T HEAR ME...I SAID I F*CKED YOUR MOTHER"

Now you could hear a pin drop.

The second guy turns to the first and says "You're drunk dad...go home" [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/funny.gif[/img]
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