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Old February 6th, 2003, 06:31 PM   #26
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An old Scottish World War 1 flying ace is on a talk show and is telling some of his adventures during the big one.

He starts: "One fine morning I was on patrol over France...when two Fokkers came divin' outa the sun and strafed me"

(The crowd gasps at the term "Fokker")

"I turned and dove on the first Fokker <crowd gasps again> and shot him outa the sky".

"The second Fokker (crowd gasps again) was on my tail...guns ablazin', so I pull a loop and get behind him and pump that Fokker (crowd gasps again) fulla lead"

By this time the host has to break in and explains to the crowd that a Fokker is a type of German aircraft.

"Ahh...that's true...but these Fokkers were flyin' Messerschmidts"
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Old February 6th, 2003, 07:28 PM   #27
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So, I'm sittin' in a bar, and this guy sits down beside me, lookin' like death warmed over. "Rough night?" I ask, and he nods in agreement. the bartender comes over and asks the guy if he wants a drink. "Beer," he replies. "Any particular brand?" the bartender asks. "Anything but Bud." the customer groans. Curious, i ask,"so, had a bad experience with Bud?" The guy replies, "last night, i drank a whole case by myself. man, there i was, 3 o'clock in the morning, blowing chunks on the bathroom floor." I wince, "man, that is rough." he nods. "you don't know the half of it... chunks is my dog's name."
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Old February 7th, 2003, 07:02 AM   #28
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[img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/funny.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/funny.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/funny.gif[/img]
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Old February 7th, 2003, 07:30 AM   #29
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I was driving with my three young children one warm summer
evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She
was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my five-year-old
shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

------- My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me
he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it
in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my
bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a
charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it
fell in the toilet a few days ago."

--------- On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a
note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child
are not necessarily those of his parents."

--------- A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter
to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her
mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right
now. She's hitting the bottle."

---------A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's
locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies
grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement
and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy
before?"

----------POLICE # 1 While taking a routine vandalism report at an
elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old.
Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I
answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed
help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told
her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you
please tie my shoe?"

---------POLICE # 2 It was the end of the day when I parked my police van
in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake,
was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you
got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked
at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he
do?"

----------ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches
to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my
afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances
of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I
found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced
myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and
whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

----------DRESS~UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a
party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you
shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always
gives you a headache next morning."

----------DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church,
our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar
wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead
robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a
small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the
disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the
appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what
he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather. and unto
the Sonnn..... and into the hole he gooooes."

---------SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
"I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't
write and they won't let me talk!"

---------BIBLE A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated
as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the
Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old
leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found,"
the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear"? With astonishment in
the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
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Old February 7th, 2003, 08:12 AM   #30
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Old February 7th, 2003, 09:34 AM   #31
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funny....but not funny...

we gonna have to kick some butt [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/yelling.gif[/img]
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Old February 7th, 2003, 10:36 AM   #32
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A Marine walks into a restroom at an Airport. A little boy looks up at him and asks, "are you a real Marine?". The Marine says"Yes, Do you want to try on my hat?". The kid says "sure". Then a Drunk sailor walks in. The kid looks at him and asks "Are you a real sailor?" The sailor says " ya, Want to s*** my D***?"
The little boy says "Oh No, I'm not a real Marine. He just let me wear his hat".
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Old February 7th, 2003, 11:22 AM   #33
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Angry

Quote:
Originally posted by vwfanatic@Feb 7 2003, 09:34 AM
funny....but not funny...

we gonna have to kick some butt [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/yelling.gif[/img]
Me? "W" is a freind of mine. [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/wub.gif[/img]
Well I met his momma, and I was in Dad house while it was being built in houston... :)

I thought it was funny. Every one not from Texas pokes fun at us. Hell we even poke fun at us too.
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Old February 7th, 2003, 11:37 AM   #34
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i wasnt commenting on the texas thing or the "W" thing.....more that we are headed for some serious times ahead....it's gonna get ugly pretty soon.
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Old February 7th, 2003, 11:59 AM   #35
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Did not really think you were. Just keeping it light.

We are now on High Allert per Homeland Security.
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Old February 7th, 2003, 06:43 PM   #36
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2 lesbian frogs are going at it on a lilly pad. one looks up and says "hey! we do taste like chicken."
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Old February 8th, 2003, 11:52 AM   #37
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Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, when I confront him he denies everything. What's worse is everyone knows he cheats on me, it is so humiliating? Also since he lost his job two years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is sit around the living room in his underwear and watch TV while I work to pay the bills. And since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, he keeps calling me a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed Clueless


Dear Clueless:

Dump him. Since you became a New York senator you don't need him anymore.
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Old February 9th, 2003, 10:31 AM   #38
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Glossary of Tool Functions


HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

ELECTRIC DRILL:
Normally used for spinning rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works well for drilling mounting holes just above a fuel line.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools based on the chaos principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Used to round off bolt heads if nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire.

WHITWORTH (Metric) SOCKETS:
Once used for working on older British vehicles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16-inch or 1/2-inch socket for which you've been searching the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your drink across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws the bolt somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch!"

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering a vehicle to the ground after you have installed your new tires, trapping the jack handle firmly under the wheel.

EIGHT-FOOT-LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2x4:
Used for levering vehicle upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS:
A tool for removing wood splinters.

TELEPHONE:
Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

TROUBLE LIGHT:
The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found in garages at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 60-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR:
A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago, and rounds them off.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding the clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50-cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to cut hoses 1/2-inch too short.
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Old February 10th, 2003, 12:28 AM   #39
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I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a girl a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse sh!t. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.

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I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

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Don't worry about other people.Most of them don't care about you.
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Old February 10th, 2003, 12:36 AM   #40
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Carburator trouble

JILL: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
JOHN: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
JILL: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
JOHN: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"
JILL: "In the pool."

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I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

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Don't worry about other people.Most of them don't care about you.
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Old February 13th, 2003, 07:46 AM   #41
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Super Florida Granny, Defender of Justice (True Story)

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her
car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She
dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at
them at the top of her lungs, "I have a Gun, and I know how to use it!
Get out of the car, scum bags!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation, but got out and ran like mad;
whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping
bags in the back of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken
that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then
it dawned on her why. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four
or five spaces further down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to
the police station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter.
He pointed to the other end of the counter where four very pale males were
reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white,
less than 5 feet tall, glasses,curly white hair and carrying a handgun. No
charges were filed.
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Old February 28th, 2003, 03:56 PM   #42
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Bubba and Earl
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the
road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The
passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl,
it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer
drinkin' these here beers!!"
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over
and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label
and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles
under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty
bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their
forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff
said, "You boys been drinkin'?"
... "No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."



Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror,
complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of
characteristically telling her it's not so, her husband uncharacteristically comes up with
a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of
toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her
breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," he
replies.
The wife stops. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between
my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat the husband says, "Worked for your butt, didn't
it?"





EVER ASKED YOURSELF THIS...?

1) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think
I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

(2) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

(3) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

(4) If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about
him?

(5) Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

(6) If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a
coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

(7) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

(8) Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
dogs!

(9) What do you call male ballerinas?

(10) Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

(11) Why are Trix only for kids?

(12) If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why
didn't he just buy dinner?

(13) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

(14) Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

(15) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

(16) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

(17) If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear
him, is he still wrong?

(18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars
in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint
somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

(19) If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from --
morons?

(20) Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

(21) Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?

(22) Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

And... just an afterthought... when you read #21, why did you run
through both songs real quick to make sure?
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Old February 28th, 2003, 04:31 PM   #43
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George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil
is waiting for him. I don't know what to do here, " says the devil. "You
are on my list but I have no room for you." You definitely have to stay
here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who
weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take
their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." George thought that sounded
pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room: in it was Richard Nixon and a large
pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and
over. Such was his fate in hell. "No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not
a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room: in it was Tony Blair with a
sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after
time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in
constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton, lying on
the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in spread
eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does
best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,
"Yeah, I can handle this." The devil smiled and
said.........................................
OK, Monica, you're free to go!
[img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/funny.gif[/img]
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Old February 28th, 2003, 08:31 PM   #44
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[img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/funny.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/funny.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/funny.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/funny.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/funny.gif[/img] You guys are killing me!! Keep it up. [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/funny.gif[/img]
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Old March 1st, 2003, 01:28 PM   #45
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Talking

A Texas Highway Trooper pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop
sign. He walked up to the car door and said, "Sir, May I see your driver's
license and registration please?"
The Yankee said, "What's the problem, officer?"
"You just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection."
"Oh, come on, there wasn't a car within miles of me!"
"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look
both ways, and proceed with caution."
"You gotta be kidding me!"
"It's no joke, sir."
"Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty
miles, and proceeded with caution."
"That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete
stop, and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and..."
"You've got a lot of time on your hands! What's the matter, all the
doughnut shops closed?"
"Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and
registration! immediately!"
"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and
coming to a complete stop."
The elderly Ranger had enough and said to the driver, "Sir, I can do
better than that." He opened the car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist
out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick.
"Now sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop?"
Teaching by example is not a lost art in Texas.


President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"
The barman says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III ".
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big boobs.
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big boobs? Why kill a blonde with big boobs?
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smart a**, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"
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"Hot rodding is mega ingenuity - not mega bucks"

Is it beer thirty yet?

Yona says, "Measure 9 times, cut once.....then fix your f*ckup"
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Old March 1st, 2003, 05:53 PM   #46
lilbill
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funny bug story here:
http://lilbill2180.tripod.com/vw.wav
it's by wendy bagwell
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Old March 3rd, 2003, 08:19 AM   #47
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A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and
help me...I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how
to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when
it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the
box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the
puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all
over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the
box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do,
we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything
resembling a tiger." He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to
relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then ..........." he sighed, "let's
put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
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Old March 5th, 2003, 12:33 PM   #48
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THE BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES OF YEAR 2002

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart in! to Helping Feed Needy
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
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Old March 5th, 2003, 12:52 PM   #49
SteveE
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The Pastor's Donkey
A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and on
being told that there was a fortune in horse-racing,
decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.
However, at the local auction, the going price for a
horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey
instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as
well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his
surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the
local paper carried this headline:
PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he
entered it in the race again, and this time it won.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity
that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in
another race. The next day, the local paper headline
read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the
pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to
give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the
following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would
have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a
farmer for ten dollars. The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the
nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains
where it could run wild. The next day the headlines
read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
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Old March 5th, 2003, 12:53 PM   #50
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A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!"

"Blowjobs!" the woman replied.



"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true....No more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. "What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."
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