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Old March 27th, 2003, 03:43 PM   #76
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It's Great to be a Dog

1. If it itches, you can reach it. And no matter where it itches, no one will be offended if you scratch it in Public.

2. No one notices if you have hair growing in
weird places as you get older.

3. Personal hygiene is a blast: No one expects
you to take a bath every day, and you don't
even have to comb your own hair.

4. Having a wet nose is considered a sign of
good health.

5. No one thinks less of you for passing gas.
Some people might actually think you're cute.

6. Who needs a big home entertainment system?
A bone or an old shoe can entertain you for hours.

7. You can spend hours just smelling stuff.

8. No one ever expects you to pay for lunch or dinner.
You never have to worry about table manners, and
if you gain weight, it's someone else's fault.

9. It doesn't take much to make you happy. You're
always excited to see the same old people. All they
have to do is leave the room for five minutes and come back.

10. Every garbage can looks like a cold buffet to you.
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Old March 28th, 2003, 11:06 AM   #77
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The Loving Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2003
models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted last year
is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer
$900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Blonde and football

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to a football game for the first time. After the game he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she said, especially the really tight pants and all of the muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents.
"What on earth do you mean???"
"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"

Fidelity pays off.

Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious.
Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm married'!"
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Old April 1st, 2003, 06:50 AM   #78
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Talking

As many of you know, each year the Internet must be shut down for 24
hours in order to allow it to be cleaned. The cleaning process, which
eliminates dead email and inactive ftp, www and gopher sites, allows for
a better working and faster Internet.

This year, the cleaning process will take place from 12:01 a.m.. GMT on
April 1st until 12:01 a.m, GMT on April 2nd During that 24-hour period,
five powerful Internet search engines situated around the world will
search the Internet and delete any redundant and unsecured data that
they find.

In order to protect your valuable data from deletion we ask that you do
the following:

1. Disconnect all terminals and local area networks from their Internet
connections.

2. Shut down all Internet servers, or disconnect them from the Internet.

3. Disconnect all disks and hardrives from any connections to the
Internet. You do not want to lose important data.

4. Refrain from connecting any computer to the Internet in any way.

We understand the inconvenience that this may cause some Internet users,
and we apologize. However, we are certain that any inconveniences will
be more than made up for by the increased speed and efficiency of the
Internet, once it has been cleared of electronic flotsam and jetsam.

We thank you for your cooperation.

Interconnected Network Maintenance staff,
Main branch,
MIT
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Old April 4th, 2003, 07:32 AM   #79
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i know these guys
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Old April 4th, 2003, 08:55 AM   #80
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yea, buddy!!!
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Old April 4th, 2003, 08:57 AM   #81
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Southern-isms for True Southern People


1.) Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption, and that you don't "HAVE" them, --you "PITCH" them.

2.) Only a true Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc. make up "a mess."

3.) Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the generaldirection of "yonder."

4.) Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in:
"Going to town, be back directly."

5.) All true Southerners, even babies, know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl on the middle of the table.

6.) All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

7.) Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!)

8.) Only true Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.

9.) Only a true Southerner both knows and understands the difference

10.) No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

11.) A true Southerner knows that "fixin'" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

12.) Only a true Southerner knows that the term "booger" can be a resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in "that ol' booger," a first name or something that jumps out at you in the dark and scares you senseless.

13.) Only true Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues", we do "lines," and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!

14.) Put 100 true Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

15.) True Southerners never refer to one person as "y'all."

16.) True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

17.) Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

18.) When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin' .. ," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

19.) Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it - we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

20.) A true Southerner knows that if you are with a couple of friends you, you could be with 2 or 10. The number doesn't matter.

21.) And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way.
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Old April 4th, 2003, 11:03 AM   #82
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all the walmarts and k-marts in iraq are changing their names to Target


the subject to martha stewart's cooking show yesterday was "how to make bail"
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it would look like that sentence.~steve
Random stuff I am looking for: Dont think there is anything at the moment
www.solar4soldiers.org (I am starting a non-profit to put solar panels on to disabled veterans homes. PM me for more details)
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Old April 10th, 2003, 02:24 PM   #83
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You know the world is going crazy when:
the best rapper is a white guy,
the best golfer is a black guy,
the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese,
the Swiss hold the America's Cup,
France is accusing the US of arrogance,
Germany doesn't want to go to war,
and the 3 most powerful men in America are named --
'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'.
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Old April 10th, 2003, 02:43 PM   #84
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ROTFLMAO!!!! [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/funny.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/funny.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/funny.gif[/img]
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Old April 10th, 2003, 03:33 PM   #85
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Check this site out http://www.cameltoe.org/index.html. I'd walk a mile for a Camel(toe). :P
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Old April 13th, 2003, 08:55 PM   #86
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Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE ! EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS HOUSE!

I'm sorry.... What did you ask me?
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Old April 14th, 2003, 01:48 AM   #87
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hehehe
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Old April 16th, 2003, 12:37 PM   #88
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AGING GRACEFULLY

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was
called witchcraft. . . Today, it's called golf.
----------------------------------------------
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age
and start bragging about it.
----------------------------------------------
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
----------------------------------------------
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to
know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the
roads weren't paved.
---------------------------------------------
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
----------------------------------------------
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of
Algebra.
---------------------------------------------
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
----------------------------------------------
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such
a nice change from being young.
----------------------------------------------
One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
----------------------------------------------
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
----------------------------------------------
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald,
they don't recognize you.
----------------------------------------------
If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to
laugh at when you are old.
---------------------------------------------
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull
your zipper up, then . . . Oh my goodness you forgot to pull your
zipper down
----------------------------------------------
If you jog in a jogging suit, lounge in lounging pajamas, and smoke in
a smoking jacket, WHY would anyone want to wear a windbreaker??
----------------------------------------------
And best of all.... I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to
the top.
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Old April 23rd, 2003, 03:23 AM   #89
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A woman, pregnant with triplets was walking down the
> >street when a masked robber runs out of a bank and
> >shoots her three times in the abdomen. Luckily the
> >babies were okay. The surgeon decides to leave the
> >bullets in because it's too risky to operate. She
> >gives birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy
> >son. They were fine for 16 years, and then one
> >daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's
> >wrong?" asks the other. "I was urinating and this
> >bullet came out," replied. The mother tells her it's
> >okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a
> >week later the second daughter walked into the room in
> >tears. "Mom, I was urinating and this bullet came
> >out." Again the mother tells her not to worry and
> >explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later her
> >son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay," say s
> >the Mom, "I know what happened...you were urinating
> >and a bullet came out."
> >"No," says the boy, "I was masturbating and I shot the dog!"
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Old April 23rd, 2003, 03:25 AM   #90
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FORD TOUGH
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Old April 23rd, 2003, 06:26 AM   #91
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That's more like Eye-Sight Tough [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/yelling.gif[/img]
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Old April 23rd, 2003, 10:28 AM   #92
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a silent neighbor lady watching bremelo seeking canadian pinstriping lurker~

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

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Don't worry about other people.Most of them don't care about you.
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Old April 23rd, 2003, 12:51 PM   #93
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A woman was in a coma. Nurses
were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them
was washing her private area and noticed that there
was a response on the monitor when she touched her there.

They went to her husband and
explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this
sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and
bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but
they assured him that they'd close the curtains for
privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his
wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's
monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The
nurses ran into the room. The husband was standing
there, pulling up his pants, and said, "I think she choked."

:P
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Old April 23rd, 2003, 02:38 PM   #94
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Two lawyers were working very hard on a very hard case. After a twelve hour day they decide to call it quits; they'd had enough. They're walking out to their cars and one lawyer says, "When I get home I'm going to rip my wife's panties off!" The other lawyer says "I know what you mean, I haven't had any for weeks!" The other lawyer responds, "No, you don't get it, I'm really going to rip them off; they're really uncomfortable!"
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Old May 8th, 2003, 03:37 PM   #95
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A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a
sudden, he said out loud, Lord grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me." !

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I
wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"
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Old May 19th, 2003, 09:01 AM   #96
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[img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/funny.gif[/img]
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Old May 20th, 2003, 07:12 PM   #97
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>FEMALE PRAYER
> >
> >Before I lay me down to sleep,
> >I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
> >One who's handsome, smart and strong,
> >One who loves to listen long.
> >One who thinks before he speaks,
> >When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.
> >I pray that he is gainfully employed,
> >When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
> >Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
> >Massages my back and begs to do more.
> >Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
> >Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
> >I pray that this man will love me to no end,
> >And never attempt to hit on my best friend.
> >Amen.
> >
> >MALE PRAYER
> >
> >I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs.
> >Who owns a liquor store.
> >Amen.
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Old May 30th, 2003, 07:14 PM   #98
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Dare to color outside the line. Think out of the box. Be the box. 69 Fastback, 69 Chopped top Squareback, 87 Syncro Vanagon, and more useless projects in the yard to make any redneck jealous.
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Old May 30th, 2003, 07:21 PM   #99
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Dare to color outside the line. Think out of the box. Be the box. 69 Fastback, 69 Chopped top Squareback, 87 Syncro Vanagon, and more useless projects in the yard to make any redneck jealous.
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Old June 2nd, 2003, 10:18 AM   #100
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Success:
At age 4 success is ... not peeing in your pants
At age 12 success is ... having friends
At age 16 success is ... having a driver's license
At age 20 success is ... having sex
At age 35 success is ... having money
At age 50 success is ... having money
At age 60 success is ... having sex
At age 70 success is ... having a driver's license
At age 75 success is ... having friends
At age 80 success is ... not peeing in your pants
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sliding volksrod discount, depending on how much i like you.
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